I don’t feel ready for anything.
Let me rewind, I just started a new job: I’m a Post PA which requires more work and has more responsibility attached to it and people are coming to me asking questions. I don’t like to be asked questions, I like to give unsolicited information. That’s how I roll.
In addition to my shiny new job, I also got new work hours and some new expenses. I’m taking care of my health again and cooking lamb and the moral of the story is that this is the most Adult that I have felt in my entire life. I’m 27 and this is the first time I have felt like I’m in my late 20s. (It’s gross.)
And I don’t feel ready for any of it. I just want to pause my life and catch my breath. I feel this way about my career and my writing and directing and romance and etc.
This is my anxiety talking, I know that. I just don’t feel confident at all. I don’t feel badass. I feel like I need someone to herd me in the direction I need to go. I am aware that my go-to response when I feel anxious is to freeze, I don’t fight or flight, I just sit there.
I’m trying to break myself of the pattern of freezing up when something scares me by whispering that everything is okay like I am comforting a toddler version of myself. (It surprisingly works.) I also keep thinking of this Amy Poehler quote:
I think this is true. I know if I waited until I was ready to do anything, I would still be in my hometown and not in LA actually using the degree I am in debt over.
So, I am taking all the things that scare me and I’m going to do them before I’m ready . I’m going to use this fear to do great things in my life.
Starting with this: I picked the script I want to direct. I’m rewriting/touching it up. I’m actually going to do this. I am going to film a movie.
And the thought of it scares the shit out of me.
So I’m going to do it anyway. (That screaming sound you just heard was the pure sound of fear leaving my mouth).